Jounral Entry: 29

All my life, it seems that everyday I would get emotionally de-railed by some random occurence. It appeared inevitable that a basic everyday event that I really should just be able to brush off, such as poping a bike tire or getting in a fight with my parents, would basically ruin my day, or week for that matter. I guess you could kind of say I'm sensitive. Not in any other area, however, am I more sensitive than the area of academics.

When I was in high school, I strived to be the best, and if I ever got anything lower than a B, I would just be disgusted with myself. Sometimes, even B's got me kind of mad, because I know I could have done so much better than that. If I know my potential, which for the most part I do, and I don't seem to meet it, I just beat myself up over and over. Since I got to college, my personal standard has seemed to greatly lower, that is, mostly after the first semester. This was definately the most depressing thing I have felt in a long time. I truly felt like a loser, and that all of my drive and dreams were crushed. I still feel this; the feeling that I'll never be the same ambitious kid I was in high school and that I just won't be able to meet the expectations I had set for myself.

I did many things to cope with these extremely depressive times. Most of them just dealt with doing things that made me happy, such as skateboarding, hanging out with my friends, etc. I also did some academic changes that actually made me become a better college student, which also not only made me feel better about myself, but also boosted my confidence as well. Everytime I do bad on a test/homework, or if anything gets me down for that matter, I can always count on skateboarding, my friends, etc. to make me happy. There still are times when I know I could be doing better in a class and end up getting down on myself, and I will actually recognize that I should be able to do better. I end up pushing myself to doing better in the class, which honestly is the best feeling ever.

I'm still on the road to getting back to the same ambitious kid I was back in high school, and am actually really determined to, but the way things have been just sets me back 2 steps when I try to move forward 1. It doesn't feel like I'm even close, or if I'll ever be. I just want that same "I can do this!" attitude and confidence I used to have...